Just like other years that passed when April 20 comes there is always a known gloomy ambiance in my house, my papa will do his best to play it cool but he is always the first one who will say what day it was and will come home drunk while mama can’t hide her sadness and longing for Ryan Ely, my brother. And I? Reminiscing every memory I can still think about him.
To be honest we are not that close and most of my memories I have are those times when we fight and argue, like when I would wait for him to fall asleep and put used socks into his bed, in front of his face. Then he would get his revenge by hiding my things, he never failed to make sure that he got the one I always use and would not give it back unless I begged and cried enough but sometimes it never comes back because he already made some experiment on it. I remember how I let my myself say those words I shouldn’t have said. They say it’s normal to have that love and hate in young age but after his death I just I learned that it’s not good when you will let the hate weight more than love especially in your family member.
Today I can still vividly remember how I cried hysterically and loud my scream that 4 am in my father’s arm when Kuya Ryan’s body arrived at our home for his funeral. I cried for almost an hour, scream and scream until there is almost no voice left and do you know what I say repeatedly that time? “bat hinayaan mo? Ano ngyari? Hindi pa kame nag kakaayos Papa pano kame mag babati hindi na kame mag kakabati.” I feel so pathetic and fool every time I’ll think those moments but I find it odd to find myself reacted that way unto his death but neither I didn’t expect to feel that much agony and regret till now. I still have two two older brothers and one younger brother and yet the regret I’d have towards Kuya Ryan can’t let their presence fade, If I’d only try to be sweet and nice little sister that time I probably have more happy memories to reminisce than what I have.
I bet you can’t relate to how I feel, you may have not tried to lose through death one of your siblings or family members but I’m pretty sure you already experienced losing a lover and friend. Is the pain unexplainable right? But believe me that losing a family is hundred times greater and that pain. You can’t move on nor forget the agony easily just like how we do when we meet someone better than our old lover and friend. Because each member of the family can’t be replaced even if they are the most hateful and irritating person you’ve met, when they’re gone you will miss and think of them from time to time. Those what if’s and could have been will always haunt you every death anniversary, those little pinches in your heart every time someone shared their happy memories with them and wish you have it too will worsen your regret.
But you know what? I think lucky are those people who been left with a handful of good memories because at least those warm memories can be their comfort in some way when they miss those who are gone unlike being left with some of it but countless of bad memories that will only make your heart feels heavy.
Perhaps you’re wondering if after the incident I’ve become a perfect sibling? I’m not and will never be. But I’m doing my best to be a better family member than I used to be yesterday. I stop letting my anger nor dislike to keep blocking my way to have an opportunity to be in good terms with them and yes I do still struggling to keep a harmonious relationship with everyone, believe me, it is easier this way than having regret to someone who passed away. I know it’s getting too much long of drama and boring, what I’m trying to say is that I hope you won’t make the same mistake I did and please don’t waste the chances you have to create good memories not just with your siblings but in everyone you know you can never break your ties with and especially to all your loved ones either they are related by blood or not.
Mitch Albom said on his book, For One More Day “Sticking to your family is what makes it a family”